How External Validation is Quietly Destroying Your Confidence
We all seek it, whether it’s the thumbs up from friends and family on a big life decision, praise from a boss for exceeding expectations at work, likes on instagram, or someone swiping left on a dating app… We humans LOVE to be validated.
This need for validation runs deep because, at one point in history, it was essential for survival. Back in tribal days, being accepted and contributing to the group wasn’t just about belonging, it was about staying alive. If you weren’t approved of, you faced isolation, which often meant the difference between life and death. While life has obviously shifted dramatically since then, especially in Western society, the craving for acceptance remains deeply ingrained in us.
It’s no wonder, then, that we often reach for external confirmation we’re enough instead of relying on our own intuition. We look to others to validate our decisions: Are we making the right choice? Are we on the right path? There’s comfort in reassurance, a sense of safety in recognition.
Though we no longer live in tribes, being human is still fundamentally a social experience. Dependence on others, though less about survival and more about connection, is still very much a part of life. The phrase “It takes a village” exists for a reason. Yet while it’s healthy to lean on others occasionally, we need to strike a balance. To build inner trust, we need to reach a place where we can rely on our own inner wisdom to guide us, even when that means going against the grain or risking rupture in our relationships.
Often when it’s time to make a decision, the immediate instinct is to ask friends or family for advice first. We want reassurance that we’re “on the right track”…Trick is, there is no such thing. The “right” track will look different for every person - depending on your particular values, beliefs, and goals. While seeking input from others might feel helpful in the moment, it’s important to recognize that advice is subjective. When we outsource our choices, we’re inadvertently adopting someone else’s values, beliefs, and goals - many of which stem from their own conditioning and experiences, not what’s best for us.
The more you rely on external validation, the more disconnected you become from your own inner voice. Over time, this can lead to two major consequences:
Losing touch with your intuition. The whole “if you don’t use it you lose it” is very real when it comes to intuition. Intuition is a muscle you need to exercise often to keep it strong.
Becoming dependent on others for self-worth: Your sense of who you are and your value becomes tied to others’ opinions, leaving you vulnerable to their approval or lack thereof.
When we base our choices on whether they’ll earn praise or acceptance, we unintentionally build our lives around someone else’s value system. This can lead to feelings of emptiness or dissatisfaction because the values we’re following aren’t truly our own.
The path to genuine peace and fulfillment lies in reconnecting with yourself (your needs, preferences, and beliefs) and making decisions that honour who you are. It also involves accepting the outcomes of those decisions, whether they lead to success or mistakes, as opportunities for growth. Learning from challenges strengthens your confidence and reinforces the belief that you can trust yourself.
What’s one decision you’ve been putting off because you’re waiting for someone else’s approval? What might it feel like to trust your inner voice instead?
